Airline stories are like labor stories: everyone's got one and theirs is always worse than yours. But, there are lessons to be learned in all of these stories. I hope mine is helpful in debunking some incorrect assumptions about air travel to help a fellow parent who finds him or herself alone and ‘traveling with small children.’
Incorrect assumption Number 1 - You can get an airline seat before flying.
This is just an urban legend. Let me explain:
As a consciences mom flying on my own with a two and five-year-old to the south of France at the height of the season, I thought it best to purchase my tickets over the phone and pay the airline’s $20 'processing fee' per ticket. I wanted to make sure we had our seats and this way seemed safer than leaving it up to the vagaries of the Internet. After a hold period during which the next Neolithic age occurred, I got our seats 14 ABC. In a row. One Row. Together.
Incorrect assumption number 2: a boarding pass =a boarding pass.
A week after booking our seats conveniently over the phone while practicing my Spanish with the customer service rep, I was sent an email confirming my seats. They were – I kid you not: the two-year-old in 5C. The five-year-old in 38 F. And I, of course, was flying stand by.
So, I did what all women under duress do: called my friend. She immediately came over and called US Air pretending to be me. While I drank vodka sours and watched 3 sunsets go by, she fixed our tickets. We were back in our little row. We were assured it was just a computer glitch. It would all be just fine when we got to the airport. We were told not to worry.
Incorrect Assumption No 3: Airlines would never seat parents away from their children.
Not so! Explained the US Air ticket person after I had waited on line with two children who were licking the airport floor and digging through their bags for bits of candy left over from last year’s trip. After lecturing me on the stresses of her job, the ticket agent handed us our new seats and explained that, for security reasons, we could not sit together and she could not tell us why. She told me if I wanted to go at all, I had better hi-tail my rugrats and myself to the gate ASAP. I meekly did as I was told.
Incorrect assumption No 4: people are not as scared of your children as they should be.
After a protracted but pointless gesticulating exchange with the boarding person at the gate who was on hold the entire time with her boyfriend (cell) and husband (line 2), I boarded the nine hr flight and obediently placed my two-year-old in 5C and the five year old in 38F. I then stood in the isle like a gypsy girl begging for change all whilst trying to stare down any potential traveling lechers. Having paid $1,150 per ticket really heightened this experience.
Incorrect assumption number 5: size doesn’t matter.
For security purposes (or so I was told) the flight attendants moved a very nice 740 lb woman to sit next to my two-year-old. The lady immediately moved up the armrest and rolled onto his seat. I have nothing against this action in general as this was clearly necessary. However, I have to note, it was his seat. Then, they moved the 5 yr old so he was in the seat near the bathrooms (only 2 rows behind but closer now) which would prove to be very exciting because he pukes at funny smells.
Incorrect assumption number 6: The more you pay, the better the service.
I was sweating and laughing manically at the same time while blocking the main isle. Maybe that’s why a businessman was prompted to say as he whisked by me that he’d really rather sleep on the floor in baggage claim at JFK than fly on this plane. I tried to ignore the eyes boring into the back of my head as I calmly sat down in a row seat that was created for me directly across from the lady in two seats and my children. Just noting at this point: total cost in tickets, fees and taxes for our flight: $3,510.
Epilogue:
Well, the good news is: the lady had lots of great treats in her purse and didn’t mind at all that my two kids were in her row. I sat peacefully across the isle and rationalized that the $1,150 seat she was using was just a small price to pay in baby sitting fees for the flight over.
Our flight had three other families (and, also three skater dudes traveling as a group) who had similar tales and had to trade seats like desperate bookies 30 seconds before the bell rings at the dog track. My family did fine because we had two trump cards: two aisle seats. We also were lucky enough to have an ace in the hole: a four-year-old who pukes. The other families didn't fare as well.
The airline attendants were very nice but couldn't possibly help with the physics of reseating the entire plane. They did say that for ‘some reason’ the airline does this all the time and asked me to write a letter to the president. Because I have time to explain to these people that seating families together might be the first step toward International flight peace.
I will gladly share any response from the airline once I finish my letter.
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